


Dean's Birthday

by Fandomnerdiness (joshifine7)



Series: A Little Family [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comfort, Cuddling, Dean needs hugs, Dean's Birthday, Diapers, Families of Choice, Family, Gen, Hugs, Infantilism, Low Self Esteem, Non-Sexual Age Play, Other, Pacifiers, Swearing, Uncle!Gabe, baby!dean - Freeform, blanket, daddy!castiel, more tags to be added later, slipping into headspace
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-09-19 17:50:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9452999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshifine7/pseuds/Fandomnerdiness
Summary: Dean struggles with his headspace on his birthday





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So after finishing my last fic yesterday I am back with this new one! You'll get sick of me soon!  
> I've been working on this one for a while and it is no where near finished. However, if I don't post the beginning now I probably never will. Also by posting this, I will actually be motivated to keep going and finish it rather than leave it lurking on my computer for another six or seven months. 
> 
> Oh. And I needed to post today because of course it is our wonderful Dean's birthday! Happy Birthday Dean!

"I am so ready to just relax for a while," Sam sighed as he took a long pull from his beer. "This is the first time in ages that we've stopped and I can't remember the last time we weren't hunting on one of our birthdays."

"You're telling me," Dean agreed. "I know that on your last birthday we were hunting a shape-shifter. The only birthday type thing we did was to get you some crappy gas station cake."

"That's not true," Sam protested, "we went for drinks in the evening."

"Oh yeah," Dean replied sarcastically. "It was so great. We ended up in some dive bar drinking shit tasting beer from the tap, then we played pool. Cake aside, how is that different from one of our usual nights?"

"He's got a point there Sammy," Gabriel prodded, sending a cheeky grin at the younger Winchester brother.

"Alright" Sam conceded, "but that just highlights my point of how nice it'll be to spend Dean's birthday here instead of us doing our usual thing."

"True. True," Gabriel relented, leaning back in his seat with a relaxed smile on his face. 

Having finished a hunt a few days previously, the Winchesters had searched for a new case, but had come up with nothing. Some of the possible hunts that had shown up had proven to be time-sensitive and they would not need to intervene for some weeks yet. Other hunts were already being taken care of by other hunters, thus leaving the two brothers with some unexpected down time. 

A few weeks ago when Sam realised that his brother's birthday was coming up, he decided that if there were no hunts, they should take advantage of any free time they had to really celebrate for once. So, he had contacted their angels to make sure that they would be there to celebrate too and had arranged that (pending lack of a hunt) everyone would congregate at their house in order to spend Dean's birthday together. 

The plan was to have some of Dean's favourite foods and then relax by playing poker or watching a bunch of Dean's favourite movies while enjoying beer and each other's company. It was simple yet perfect for Dean. They would have grilled steaks on a barbeque, but given that it was the end of January no body felt like standing in the cold for that length of time. Cooked inside would have to do. 

Plans made, the unconventional family now convened at the house and found themselves sat around the family room enjoying a quiet night and drink before the festivities that would begin the next day. It was clear that everyone was relaxed and prepared to have a good time. 

Everyone that is except for the birthday boy. Not that the others had noticed. Due to their general good cheer and Dean's usual strategy of clamping down on his emotions, the other occupants of the kitchen believed that Dean was equally as excited for the events of the next day. 

Dean was not however excited for the events of the next day. 

He hated his birthday. Hated the attention. Hated the memories the day brought forth in his mind. 

Every year when he had been growing up his birthday had been forgotten. His Dad had been away or too busy researching to remember his birthday so it often just got ignored. If John had happened to remember then it was always a rushed affair and Dean had always come away from any "celebration" (mostly just a piece of pie from a McDonalds or convenience shop) feeling like his father had been put upon, that the man had had to take time away from whatever else he had going on. Dean just felt like a burden and a nuisance. 

The day also served as another little reminder of all the things that Dean had lost. He vaguely remembered having had a birthday before the fire. He had hazy memories of colours, cake and laughter, but he had strong impressions of being wrapped tight in warm arms. Someone with long blonde hair had held him close and he heard the voice of what could only be his mother whispering "I love you little man". After the fire, Dean had never had that sense of warmth and safety again. Each neglected birthday brought back bittersweet memories and a feeling of emptiness that would never be filled 

To be fair, once Sam was old enough to recognise the date he had tried to give Dean a good birthday. He would scrounge and save whatever little bits of money he could acquire to buy a comic book or something and always made Dean a card. However little Sam's efforts were, they had filled Dean with joy and he treasured each and every thing his brother did for him. 

After Sam had gone to Stanford however, Dean's birthday was often unbearable. He was often completely alone and no one knew or remembered the day. 

So no. His birthday was not a day he associated with pleasant emotions. 

Therefore, even though he was touched that his family wanted to spend time with him and do the things he liked doing, Dean couldn't get excited. He felt like he was a burden for taking up their time and attention for something so trivial (even though he logically knew that they had chosen to do so voluntarily). He also couldn't shake the general feeling of sadness that crept up on him when he remembered all those birthdays spent alone. 

All the emotions flowing through him was pushing Dean dangerously close to his little headspace. Once in it, Dean knew that if he let himself slip into being little he would be able to cry without a second thought or just bury himself deep down away from all the "Big" thoughts he was having and surround himself with warmth and love and cuddles. He could give into the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him. And right now that was sounding more appealing by the second. 

However - although he felt this way, Dean was damned if he was going to let anybody know about it. There was no way he was going to be little any time soon. His family had decided that they wanted to celebrate his birthday and that is what they were going to do. No way would Dean ruin this for them. He would not ruin their carefully thought out plans. He would not be a burden.


	2. Early morning wake up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean struggles to wake up on the morning of his birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is... chapter 2! Thanks for the positive reaction so far! It's going to be a little bit before we see baby!De though - Dean's gotta go through some stuff I'm afraid. Hope you enjoy! Sorry for the language...I thought it was fairly approproate for Dean's character however. Also, Dean has some negative feelings about age-play. We all know his real feelings however so please don't be offended

Waking up on the morning of the 24th was difficult for Dean.

Usually he could spring out of bed ready to go at a moments notice, but today it was hard to pry his eyes open. He felt heavy and oh so tired. The last few hunts having finally catching up with him he supposed. He also wasn't sure where the hell he was. Of course, being slightly disorientated and not knowing where he was happened far too frequently for it to be a strange occurrence, but being comfortable upon waking was one. 

Cracking one protesting eyelid open Dean glanced around the dimly lit room to discover the reason that he was so comfortable was that he was currently resting on his very own bed in his very own bedroom. Memory foam mattress. It remembered him. This caused a small smile to crack his face, though it swiftly faded once he remembered why exactly he happened to be waking up in his own bed. He had to work quickly to suppress the groan of dismay his body was demanding he make. 

Today was his birthday. 

Today was his birthday and he honestly couldn't remember how old he was. Physically he was probably mid-thirties. Mentally? Who knew? 

Time spent in hell left him feeling decades older than he was supposed to be. And the increasingly large amount of time he spent living as someone who was somewhere between one and two years old left him feeling very, very young. Maybe young was the wrong word. It made him feel very little.

In fact, he felt very little right now and that was serving to make his already low mood fall even further. 

Most of the time now he had no problem with the whole age playing situation his family had going on. He'd gotten over most of the embarrassment ages ago and fully recognised just how much better he and his brother were after they had some little time. They were healthier, more relaxed and far less likely to spiral into despair or to drive themselves to burnout - this was true for Dean especially. Dean even had to admit to himself that he really enjoyed it. He loved being able to be little. To be Gabriel's nephew. To be Sammy's little brother for a change. To be Castiel's beloved baby boy. To know that he was loved by those he was closest to and to be able to express his love for them so freely. He loved being free of all worries and responsibilities. To not have to be the one in charge - the one who could cope with anything and everything. To be able to stop instead of having to keep on carrying on. To be able to drop his carefully crafted badass persona and to be who he needed to be. To be able to be wrapped up and surrounded by love from all angles. 

But as he lay here on his thirty-whatever birthday all he could think was 'what the hell are you playing at? You are a grown man and you shouldn't be parading around and pretending to be a baby.' He needed to man up and get on with things - just like he'd been doing since he was four years old. 

Even as these thoughts ran through his head he couldn't stop the deep feeling of longing he felt as he thought of the time he spent being little. As he felt his completely full bladder twinge Dean couldn't stop the fleeting thought that it would be so nice if he was in a diaper right now. That he could just stay in bed and not even worry about the toilet or anything as he was just so tired. 

But equally as quickly the thought was squashed as Dean chided himself for being ridiculous. Wanting to have a diaper on? That was disgusting. He just needed to get up and be the fucking adult that he was.

Besides, there were people counting on him today. No way could he be little even if he wanted to. 

As Dean dragged his badly protesting and suddenly heavy body out from the comforting warmth of his bed and pulled on a baggy pair of jeans and a t-shirt he couldn't help but recall his brother's face from the evening before. 

Sam had looked so fucking proud of himself for having arranged all of this. And why shouldn't he have? He had planned something that he thought was guaranteed to make his brother happy and it was actually happening. Nothing had cropped up at the last minute and their whole little family had made it to their house right on time for the celebrations. No one was injured for once and everything in heaven was peaceful for a change. Sam had pulled something together to make his brother's birthday awesome. 

It just sucked for Sam had a brother that was so screwed up that he couldn't even be excited for his own birthday. Although Dean was touched that his brother would go to all that effort for him he just could not get over his usual birthday feelings and his new added bad feelings about wanting to age play. 

As Dean shut himself in the bathroom and took care of his bodily needs he resolved to himself that Sam would never know just how little Dean wanted the events of the evening to occur. If there was ever one thing that Dean was good at, it was pulling himself together for the sake of his brother. Sammy was always priority number one. And if Sammy wanted him to have a good birthday - then a good birthday Dean would have. Sam deserved to be proud of himself for what he had put together and Dean was going to make damn sure that his brother kept that smile on his face.

Flushing the toilet and slumping his way over to the sink to wash his hands Dean glanced up into the mirror that hung above it and was dismayed, though not surprised at what he saw. 

He looked tired. No. Not tired. Exhausted. He had deep bags under his eyes and his face was drawn. A few days of stubble graced his chin and Dean ran a hand over it, feeling the scratchy surface. The frown that marred his features probably didn't help anything. 

Shit. He'd never fool anyone like this. 

Sighing deeply Dean filled the sink and began to shave, repeatedly splashing his face with cold water in an attempt to wake himself up more. 

Grooming taken care of, Dean examined himself once more and found that he looked a little better, though not amazing. It was all he could do for now though. And he couldn't actually hide out in the bathroom all day no matter how much he felt like doing so. He could hear people moving about downstairs anyway and they would be expecting him.

Plastering a small smile on his face and mentally slapping himself Dean turned to open the door and head down the stairs. Game time. Time for his birthday to begin. 

Decending the stairs Dean made sure to have a chant running over and over in his head to prep himself, though he wasn't sure it was working. 

You will have a good day. You will not ruin this for anyone.

You will have a good day. You will not ruin this for anyone. 

You will have a good day. You will not ruin this for anyone.


	3. Birthday greetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean recieves birthday greetings from his family and has to seriously fight off his little headspace when confronted with Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry its been longer than usual. RL has given me a bit of a beating and this chapter was a hard one to write. We see a glimpse of Dean slipping but I promise that there will be a lot more in the next chapter. No properly little Dean for a while yet though - sorry!

As soon as Dean took a single step into the kitchen he was greeted by a multiple cheers of "Happy Birthday!" and was engulfed in arms so huge he could only deduce that they belonged to his sasquatch of a little brother. Dean came to that conclusion just a second too late. 

For unfortunately for Sam, Dean's first instinct upon being surprised was to attack, which is exactly what he did. So just micro seconds after flinging his arms around his older brother, Sam was quickly greeted by a knee to the stomach and a punch to the face. Really he was just lucky that Dean was awake and able enough to recognise who he was and abort the rest of the attack that surely would have followed. 

"Ah! What the hell man!" Sam gasped as he simultaneously clutched at his chin and wrapped a protective hand around his middle. 

"Gah! Dude I'm sorry! I-I just reacted" Dean stammered as he hesitantly reached out to see if his brother was ok, though held back when Sam inadvertently flinched away from him.   
"Told you not to jump at him like that" Gabe chided as he slowly sauntered past and lazily reached out to heal the minor hurt the taller Winchester had suffered. Looking pointedly at the man who was now uncurling from his hunched position, Gabriel then turned towards Dean and gave him a mega watt grin before exclaiming "Happy Birthday!" and clapping him on the shoulder. 

"Uh, thanks man" Dean replied, giving Gabriel a small smile before turning back to Sam and saying "I really am sorry dude. You ok?" Crap but this day was going badly and it hadn't even started yet!

"Yeah. Yeah. No harm done I guess" Sam said with a sigh but then looked up to meet Dean's gaze - a concerned expression on his face. "You really didn't see that coming? It's your birthday dude!"

Chuckling in an attempt to disarm Sam Dean replied "Guess I should have. Though having said that, I wasn't quite prepared to be attacked in our supposedly safe house."

"Which is exactly why we tried to talk Sam out of his chosen form of greeting but he insisted that that was how your birthday should start" Castiel said, pushing himself off from the counter he had been leaning on. "Is it my turn yet?" he asked his brother and Sam as he made his way across the kitchen. 

"Fine! Yes! By all means go greet your human!" Gabe snarked at his brother. Stage whispering to Dean he exclaimed "He's been like this all morning. 'When will Dean awaken? Can I say Happy Birthday first? Is he up yet? Can I see him first when he gets down here?' Honestly it's been unbearable". 

"Shut up Gabriel" Cas replied as he came to stand right in front of the older Winchester brother and fixing him with a fond and compassionate look. Used to Castiel's often lingering gazes Dean let the angel have his moment and looked back at the man he considered his best friend all while trying to smother anything that might give away how he was feeling inside. 

His little pep talk while descending the stairs had done nothing to boost his mood and the events of the last few moments had only served to send his thoughts spiralling towards being completely over whelmed. It had only been two bloody minutes. 

He knew that his family meant well and he really should have prepared himself to be greeted this way, though he had hoped that he would have been able to have a quiet morning to adjust with only quiet wishes of happy birthday. Though knowing his brother and the archangel he definitely should have known better. 

He felt really guilty about hurting Sammy as well. Knowing that he was now fine did nothing to assuage that guilt either. His brother was only trying to show his excitement and he had to go and hit him! It went against every single "Look After Sam" instinct that he possessed as well. 

So yes. He was feeling very overwhelmed. And Cas's calming presence wasn't helping as much as he had hoped. He had hoped earlier that Cas's generally relaxed demeanour would help him stay grounded in the face of Sam and Gabe's over the top exuberance that was threatening to send him spinning into a panic. Currently Dean was fighting with everything in him to squash the urge to throw himself straight at the angel and bury his face in the man's warm neck. 

It became nearly impossible when Castiel reached out and folded Dean into a strong warm embrace and quietly exclaimed "Happy Birthday Dean!"

Dean managed to avoid burying his head in his best friend's shoulders by some miracle, though he couldn't stop the rest of his body sagging with some relief as he was wrapped up in the love his angel was freely offering. 

This was exactly where he wanted to be. Daddy always gave the best hugs and he had needed this! The icky feelings were fading each and every second Daddy had hold of him. 

Not a second later Dean mentally gave himself the biggest slap of his life. Daddy? What had he been thinking?! He couldn't afford to slip now!

Gathering every scrap of strength he had, Dean gave a gruff cough and managed to start pulling himself out of the best hug he'd had in quite some time. Taking a step back, Dean managed to cough out a gruff and muffled sounding "Thanks man" and hoped that his cheeks weren't as bright red as he thought they might be. 

Dean was fairly sure that that hug had gone on for far longer than what would be considered socially acceptable, but he prayed with everything in him that the other occupants of the room would put the action down to his and Cas's fairly odd relationship. Age play aside, when Dean was Big he and Cas seemed to have a much stranger relationship than normal friends. The extended eye contact, staring matches and lack of understanding about a person's personal space meant that he and Cas often got double takes and misunderstandings while out and about. Hopefully his family knew better - although Sam and Gabe didn't seem to have any of those problems outside of age play time so who knew. 

Glancing about slightly revealed that Dean needn't have worried however as both his brother and Gabriel had occupied themselves over by the stove and seemed to be bickering - the default for their friendship it seemed. 

However that didn't mean that he was out of the danger zone as Cas seemed to be looking at him curiously, even as he murmured a faint "You're very welcome". 

Shit. He needed to do something before Cas put two and two together and came to the very correct conclusion of four. Before he realised just how close Dean was to slipping completely. 

Unnecessarily clearing his throat again Dean made short work of slipping past the angel blocking his path and loudly asked "Where's the coffee? Man I need all the coffee. You guys better have left me some!" There. Now perhaps Cas would think that his weirdness was being down to not having quite woken up yet. 

"It's in the pot. Not sure how fresh it is though" Sammy cautioned as he gestured to the half full pot. 

"Don't care. Coffee. Now" Dean growled as he snatched up the pot and began to busy himself pouring a very large cup and immediately taking a large gulp of the black steaming liquid. It hurt going down but Dean was glad for any kind of distraction at this point. 

"Gonna leave any for the rest of us?" Sam asked again, looking faintly disgusted with his big brother's display.

"No. Mine. Get your own Sasquatch" Dean ground out between gulps, quickly filling his cup back up. Part of the reason Dean was chugging the stuff was certainly to distract his family on his weird behaviour, but the other part really hoped that the caffeine high he was struggling to achieve would keep him alert enough to avoid any more slip ups. He really couldn't afford any more. 

Part one of the plan seemed to be working as Sam curled a lip disgustedly at him and commented "Well looks like getting another year older hasn't had any effect on your caveman habits."

Just as Dean was about to snap out a reply Gabriel blocked the eye line between the brothers and loudly exclaimed "Birthday breakfast is here! All the favourites of the big man on his big day!" and as he gave a soft glare at Sam he continued "And if that included half a pot of scalding black coffee then that’s fine, right Sammy?"

Looking slightly pissed at being scalded Sam did however capitulate. "I guess so. And it's Sam. Sammy is 5."

"Whatever you say dude. Whatever you say. Now come over and eat your breakfast! I'm not making any more food until tonight so if you don't eat now you're fending for yourself" Gabe quipped as he began spreading pans and dishes out on the table. Both Dean and Sam leapt up to grab plates and utensils to set the table while Cas busied himself pouring drinks and putting on more coffee. 

Once everyone had taken their place at the table Gabriel pointed out each food item before declaring that everyone should dig in. There was both scrambled and fried eggs, bacon, sausages, mushrooms, beans, pancakes and several types of toast. 

As the rest of his family put food onto their plates Dean sat and watched dazedly. All of his favourite breakfast foods displayed before him and he wasn't at all hungry.

While it could be due to all of the coffee he had just drank, it was more likely due to his sudden feeling on being completely unworthy. Who was he to enjoy all these nice things? Why had Gabriel gone to such effort? He wasn't worth this surely!

He also couldn't seem to get it together to actually put food on his plate. the action seemed totally beyond him so he sat and watched dumbly as everyone else helped themselves.   
Eventually however his lack of motion was detected by none other than Castiel, who Dean had practically forgotten was present in the room. "Are you not going to eat Dean?"

Shaking his head to clear it once more Dean pulled together a somewhat cocky attitude and replied "Yeah. Of course dude! Just waitin' for you guys to finish taking what you want before I go to town!" And with that comment he began to pile his plate high of food he really didn't want to eat. 

There was one benefit of eating however. He didn't have to talk. It meant that he could just focus on getting the food into his mouth and down and didn't have to contribute to the conversation going on around him. 

It meant that he could focus on his newest mantra of the day. 

Just get through breakfast. Just get through breakfast.


	4. The struggles continue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean continues to struggle and spends some time with his Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for being patient with me, its taken a long time to get this chapter up and tbh I'm not happy with it at all. I don't really know where else to go with it though. I'm happy with the next chapter though. More in the area I'm comfortable writing.   
> I have to be honest. Real life is KICKING MY ASS atm and I'm not feeling well and struggling with work so writing is taking a back seat. Like I said, I needed to get this one out and then hopefully it'll pick up again soon. Just bear with me till the next chapter....it'll be better I swear.

Somehow - and if you asked him later he wouldn't know how - Dean made it through the remainder of breakfast without any more slipping. 

It had helped that Gabriel had begun telling some heavily embellished story about a time he had tried to introduce birthdays in heaven for the angels which predictably had swiftly turned to chaos due to the sheer number of angels that existed. Castiel had then chimed in refuting several of Gabriel's wilder claims which started the two angels off bickering about events that happened who knew how many years ago. Sam had begun asking questions about the origin of the birthday celebration which only fuelled the two angels further. 

All in all it meant that Dean was free to concentrate on his meal and focus on keeping a smile on his face. He made sure that he chuckled where appropriate so that it seemed he was participating and this method seemed to satisfy any of those gathered around when they glanced over at him. 

Not too long later everyone had finished eating and cleared up the kitchen and the discussion had inevitably turned to what everyone was going to do for the day until the festivities would begin in the evening. 

Sam perked up when Castiel asked and started to say "Well. I do have this new book I've been dying to read..." before being interrupted by loud groans from both Gabe and Dean. Dean didn't even have to force his groan, it just came naturally in response to his brother for it had come as a surprise to no-one that Sam was going to catch up on some reading he hadn't managed while they were travelling. While hunting Sam did so much reading for research purposes, he didn't often feel like reading fiction or for fun so he often built up a collection of books he wanted to read whenever he had down time. "No no no!" Sam protested earnestly as Dean and Gabe smirked at each other, "You don't understand! Its gonna' be really good! It's this mystery where this woman mysteriously disappears and…." 

At that point Gabriel loudly cut Sam off by rushing out "Yeah yeah you're off to do what you always do. Meanwhile, me and Cassie here have a special mission which you can know nothing about so don't even ask. You aren't allowed in the kitchen at all though until we say you can come in so stay away!"

Here Castiel chuckled and added "That was rude Gabriel but yes it would probably be for the best that you avoid the kitchen for a while".

Sam, who had been giving Gabriel one of his patented bitch faces softened at Cas's words and didn't attempt to finish his explanation. He instead smiled and turned to Dean to ask "So do you have plans birthday boy? I can leave my book 'til later if you wanted to do something?"

Luckily, Dean didn't have to scramble for an excuse because he had the perfect activity in mind. Something that he was guaranteed to be left alone for. "Nah man. I'm gonna spend some quality time with my Baby. She needs some lovin' and is way overdue for a tune up. Best way to spend the day dude!"

After a little more chatting everyone managed to get away to their respective projects and Dean found himself in the cool quiet familiarity of the garage staring at his baby. 

Just looking at her Dean felt a sense of peace descend over him. Here was his one constant. The only thing that had remained with him through absolutely everything. Even on those birthdays where both Sam and John had been gone he had still had the comfort of his baby to rely on. Even if he had absolutely nothing else at the time. One memorable birthday he had even spent the entire day and night huddled in her back seat desperately trying to stitch himself together and not freeze to death in the aftermath of a hunt gone wrong. He hadn’t even had enough money to rent a motel room for the night, but his baby had kept him safe until he could pull himself together enough to move on again. 

It felt - right - that he should be spending his birthday with his favourite girl. Besides, she definitely deserved a tune up. She'd been ridden hard in the last couple of months.   
True to habit, Dean began his ministrations by cranking up some tunes on the little radio that resided on the tool bench before popping Baby's hood and taking a look at what needed to be done. Nothing major, just a general tune and touch up to make sure everything was in perfect condition. Nothing but the best for his girl after all. 

Humming along to whatever was playing at the moment, Dean grabbed some tools and then began, loosing himself in a familiar task that he knew he was good at. Once in a blue moon Dean thought about what he would have done had he not been a hunter and fantasised about having lived a comfortable life as a mechanic. 

As the day wore on Dean found himself covered in sweat and grease as he delved into the depths of his car. And as he worked he lost himself in the memories of his childhood both happy and melancholic. His mind wandered over all the times spent in the car with his brother or without and everything the car had been through. Though some of the memories were comforting, Dean couldn’t help but let the images flashing through his head effect his mood. Sadness washed though him as Dean's already low mood sunk lower. And as this happened, Dean's actions became automatic as he let his body go over the familiar motions while his mind wandered. 

It was at this point that Dean made a mistake. 

Dropping a wrench right into the engine, Dean automatically reached for it and in the process of bringing it out managed to catch his finger and somehow both jar and cut it.   
Dean stood for a moment completely dumbstruck as he regarded his finger, watching the hot wet blood steadily flow out of the digit and onto the floor. 

The next moment he howled. 

Dropping to the floor Dean clutched at his finger and began to sob whole heartedly, tears pouring down his cheeks. 

This was by no means the first time Dean had hurt himself while working on the car, but he had never reacted in this way before. The deep control that Dean had been clinging to all day broke and he found all of his mixed emotions flooding to the surface as he reacted to the pain in his finger. 

Some small part of Dean was distantly aware that he should not be acting this way over a little cut, but it was being completely over-ridden by the part of him that had been fighting to get out all day. The little boy inside him who was crying out for comfort and for somebody to make his yucky feelings go away. The baby who just wanted his Daddy. 

Unfortunately for Dean, the loud music he had been blasting as well as the shut garage door and his being over the other side of the house from any of its other occupants meant that his cries went unheeded. No one came to help as no one could hear his pain. All Dean could do was wail out his hurt and sadness to the big black car before him. 

Eventually as his tears began to lessen in intensity, Dean found himself crawling into the back seat of his best friend and curling up into a small ball to clutch at his hurt finger and sniffle away the last of his tears. 

As the warmth and security of being in his baby surrounded him Dean found himself drifting off into an exhausted slumber, distantly wondering why it was Daddy hadn't come yet.


	5. Between two headspaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up in the back of baby and deals with his massive slip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we still aren't quite at baby de time yet, though it is getting closer. This was actually the first thing I wrote for this story. It's been adapted a bit to fit the rest of the plot but I'm still happy with it. Sorry its not very long, but I'd rather go for quality than quantity, especially as I'm still feeling rough. Hope you enjoy this chapter...I do.

Upon waking several hours later, Dean found himself floating dangerously between his two headspaces and completely disorientated and in need of answers for several questions. 

How had he ended up in the back of the Impala?

Why was he covered in blood?

Why were his trousers kind of damp?

What the hell had happened?

As he fought to full wakefulness the memories of what had happened slowly came back to him and he found himself both completely mortified and rediculously close to bursting into tears again as his bottom lip began to wobble dangerously. 

He'd had a complete breakdown all because of a small cut. What was he thinking? And it seemed like he'd pissed himself too! What if someone had found him in that state? It would have completely ruined all of Sammy's carefully made plans for the evening! A small sob broke through at this final thought before Dean shoved his feelings forcefully down and scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand. 

As he did so, simultaneously two thoughts flew through Dean's weary mind. Thank goodness no one had come to see that mess. And a quieter thought of - why did no one come see me?

Pushing that latter thought aside, Dean pushed himself up and uncomfortably made his way out of the car in his wet trousers. Although he ached with sadness inside he thought to himself that he was lucky that no one had stumbled across him given the time of the day it now was. Now he had time to clean himself up and get on with things before he actually ruined anything. He was pretty lucky. 

After quickly tidying the garage and removing the traces of blood and urine from the floor of the garage and interior of the car (as well as hastily scrubbing away a few sneaky tears every now and again), Dean murmured an apology to his Baby for not finishing up the tune up and crept his way out of the garage and up the stairs to clean up. Luckily he didn't encounter anyone on his way, though he could hear the angels clattering about in the kitchen and the faint sound of music coming from Sam's big room. 

Dean entered the bathroom and began to clean himself up, climbing into the shower to get rid of any disgusting trace of his accident as well as any remaining blood or grease. As he scrubbed himself he chastised himself again for having lost control and briefly entertained the thought of wearing a pull up or something to dinner just in case. That thought was dismissed almost instantly as his family would know what he had on. And besides. While awake he'd have no problem controlling himself. He'd make it. 

Having successfully cleaned , scrubbed his face free of any evidence that he had been crying, bandaged his finger and changed out of his grease stained clothes, Dean ever so slowly made his way down the hallway. He could hear the angels and his brother in the kitchen pottering about and chatting cheerfully together. It was nearly the time they had agreed upon to start the evening's festivities. Dean was heading to join them but just couldn’t make himself go any faster. Stopping and giving his cheeks a little slap Dean mentally chastised himself. Get it together Winchester! Stop being an ungrateful little shit and go celebrate with your family! 

Opening his eyes from where he had squeezed them closed Dean took a deep breath and glanced about, steeling himself for the trip down stairs. Deep inside he could feel all of his emotions bubbling up and threatening to overwhelm him and he needed to push them down so he could get through the next few hours. 

Instead of managing to move forward down the corridor Dean found himself rooted to the spot as he took deep breaths and his eyes landed on the slightly opened door of the room that contained his little-self's nursery. 

Just behind the wooden door Dean could see the afternoon light spilling across the light forest green walls and he imagined it to be warm. Warm and so very calm. And peaceful. And inviting. 

Before he could think things through Dean was easing the door open and taking a step into the peaceful room. 

Calm flooded his senses and he felt himself release a breath he didn't even know he had been holding. Oh this felt good. Inhaling deeply Dean took in the smells that invoked feelings of peace and safety in him. 

Glancing back to make sure no one was following Dean let himself walk deeper into the room until he was standing next to the sturdy wooden crib, trailing a hand lightly along the railing. 

Tiredness washed over him as he let his gaze linger on the soft blankets that lined the inside of the bed. How nice would it feel to be buried deep inside them right now? Dean couldn't think of anything better as suddenly all of the sleepless nights of the past few months crashed down upon him. Tiredness settling in what felt like his bones, Dean couldn’t help but lower a hand to rub some of the soft fabric between his fingers, relishing the feel of the fuzziness on his skin. 

Shaking these thoughts from his head Dean carefully replaced the blanket to the crib mattress. As he did so however his hand brushed upon a new object and Dean's breath caught in his throat. Was it what he thought it was? 

Gingerly picking up the object his thoughts were confirmed as he laid eyes upon one of his many, many pacifiers. Twisting it round and round in his hands Dean studied the simple though larger than average soother. It was fairly standard with a pale blue mouth guard that was decorated with a bumblebee on the central button section. Dean's mouth quirked into an involuntary smile. This was Daddy's favourite pacifier. The angel always tried to pass on his love of bees onto his baby but it was having only a limited amount of success. De was much more into his blue blanket than the stuffed bumblebee Cas had procured for him much to the angel's never ending irritation. 

Although he really should be getting downstairs Dean couldn't draw himself away from the pacifier. He had the strongest desire to have it in his mouth. Just for a moment.  
He really shouldn't be doing this. He couldn't do this now. Everyone was downstairs waiting for him! 

Despite all of his instincts telling him not to, Dean found himself slipping the pacifier into his mouth. He rolled it around his tongue once or twice but then found himself sucking on the rubber nipple in an almost rhythmic fashion. 

All the tension he had been carrying through the day seemed to leave him as the suckling calmed him down. Breathing deeply through his nose and closing his eyes, Dean let the pleasant feelings wash over him. He had needed this. So badly. 

A second later the peace he had found was shattered. 

"Dean? Are you coming or what?! The steaks are gonna burn dude! And Gabe's threatening to turn your beer into fruity cocktails if you don't get down here soon!" Sam's loud and cheerful voice called up the stairs. 

It was followed by a second call of "I did not! Though if you don't hurry up Dean-o then I just might…."

Fear flooded through Dean. Crap. He should never have come in here. What the hell was he playing at, he was supposed to be down there not up here pissing about in the nursery! 

Opening his mouth to call back Dean's attention was brought back to the pacifier in his mouth. Flushing with embarrassment he spat it out and hurriedly buried it in the blankets again, hiding his shame, even as he called back "Coming! Don't you dare touch my beer Gabriel!" 

He could not do things like this. He needed to watch himself and get his head back in the game. Downstairs people were waiting for him and had gone to the effort to get his favourite things together especially for his birthday and here he was ignoring them to muck about with baby stuff. Not on. 

Rushing to the door and having to fight all his instincts not to look back Dean left the nursery and rushed towards his party.


	6. Over the edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simple birthday kindnesses from his family finally push Dean over the edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!   
> First of all, I am so sorry that I haven't updated in forever. I've been feeling pretty ill for the last few months and have in no way felt like writing. My bad! ALso this chapter had me completely stumped and I didn't know where to go with it. It has been a total pain in the arse to write and I am still not happy with it at all. Still. I think I need to post it, otherwise this will never get updated again.   
> The upside of all of this is that now that this bitch of a chapter is out of the way I know where I need to go again and we can crack on with the regularly scheduled Little-Dean cuteness.   
> Once again, thank you for being patient and bearing with me. Sorry for this chapter and its shortness, but hopefully things will pick up again.

Dean paused just outside of the family room in order to take one more deep and calming breath to settle himself. He made sure to try and look as relaxed as possible and also decided to keep his hand in his pocket to hide his injured finger, knowing that Castiel would demand answers as soon as he saw the bandage and also knowing that he would not be able to deal with that level of concern right now. With one last breath Dean purposefully strode into the room and was instantly overwhelmed by what he saw in front of him.  
The room had been transformed at some point, though Dean couldn't tell when any of his family would have had the time. Streamers hung from the ceiling and a large banner hung across the room that boldly proclaimed "Happy Birthday!" in huge letters. A large table had been set up where the playpen usually sat and most of it was covered in delicious looking food, though a good portion was also covered with brightly wrapped presents. Stood in the middle of the room were the members of his family who were all holding various alcoholic beverages ranging from a bottle of beer in Sam's case to a very extravagant looking cocktail for Gabriel.

None of them noticed Dean lurking, which was probably a good thing as it meant that it gave Dean a further few seconds to figure out how the hell he was going to get through this party when the only thing he wanted was to go back upstairs and snatch up his pacifier. He was having to work hard to stop his tongue from clicking on the roof of his mouth, so badly did he want to suck on something. While he took a moment he tried desperately to cling to the remnants of Big Dean that he could feel slipping away from him. Big Dean had been fading away all day and he knew it, but Dean was desperate to just make it through the party before he would allow himself to be little for a while. 

Taking a deep breath Dean plastered what he hoped would pass as a surprised and pleased grin and strode into the room calling out "Where's this beer then?"

"Dean!" Cas greeted cheerfully, "Happy birthday again! The sentiment was soon echoed by the other two occupants of the room and Sam reached out to clap Dean on the shoulder and handed his brother a beer that was dripping with condensation. 

Taking a hasty gulp of the beer in order to wet his mouth and to just get something in his mouth for a moment, Dean then managed to croak out "Thanks guys. So when did you manage all of this? You didn't need to go to any fuss." He was staring in a amazement at the table while trying really hard not to freak out. He didn't deserve this!

"This isn't a fuss. Trust me. These two vetoed nearly all of what I had planned" Gabriel deadpanned somewhat sulkily.

Cas meanwhile had moved closer and placed a comforting hand on Dean's arm and happily ignored his brother saying "We did it this afternoon! We wanted to make this day a bit different than just having some steaks and beer."

"Yeah", Sam chimed in, "Like you said earlier, we do that all the time. This way it makes it special!"

"Well, uh, thanks guys," Dean grunted, "everything looks awesome." Dean took another deep chug of his beer to clear his throat. 

Seeing that Dean was uncomfortable and knowing his deep dislike of "chick flick" moments, Gabriel decided to move on. "So, while you were busy doing who knows what to that car of yours, I dragged Sammy's nose out from where it was buried in his book and made him decorate and then Cas and I locked ourselves in the kitchen where we - and by we, I mean I created this feast that lays before you. All that’s left to do is grill the meat and we're good to go!"

"Like I said, everything looks awesome" Dean repeated once again looking dazedly around the room. 

"Ahh but you haven't seen anything yet!" Gabe smirked as he nodded to Cas who left the room to enter the kitchen. "For you see Cas had a plan that required pretty much all day to carry out, as well as two fire extinguishers. Just wait till you see this!"

And with that, Sam, who Dean hadn't seen move flicked off the light sending the whole room into darkness and Dean's heart racing with anxiety. What was happening?

He found out not a second later as Castiel reappeared holding an object that was illuminated by the soft glow of many lit candles. 

As Dean's eyes adjusted to the dim light, he managed to see that Castiel was carrying a tall and yet slightly crooked, misshapen cake tower that was covered in blue and white icing and what looked like a crude attempt of a drawing of the Impala on the top. Somewhat messily scrawled on the side was an icing rendition of Dean's name. 

Dean froze as Cas approached him, completely unable to breath as his family members began too sing the happy birthday song to him. 

Dean was stuck staring at the cake before him, mind absolutely blank as he was unable to comprehend anything other than the sight before him. For he knew exactly who had made the cake - and it wasn't Gabriel. He'd seen some of the arch-angel's creations before and they looked nothing like this. No. Daddy had to have made this cake for him. Daddy had gone out of his way to bake him a cake for his birthday - and everyone knew that Castiel could NOT cook to save his life. The effort the angel must have gone to…

By this point the angels and Sam had finished singing. As Dean made no move and looked kind of shell shocked Sam decided to prompt him. "Hey Dean? I know you don't want to make a wish but you kinda need to blow out the candles man…" Sam trailed off as he saw his words were making no impact on his brother who was seemingly frozen to the spot, face completely blank as he stared at the lit up cake. 

"Dean?" Cas questioned softly, "Dean? Are you ok?"

When Dean still made no move and failed to react to this gentle plea, Gabriel quickly ushered Sam over to flick the lights back on. 

The sudden illumination allowed the angels and humans to see that although Dean was motionless and still, tears had begun to run in identical streams down both of his cheeks.

The very sight of them caused Cas to gasp and thrust the cake he was holding at a slightly unprepared Gabriel and rushed as quickly as he dared towards a still frozen Dean. Stopping just in front and to the side of the shell shocked human Cas called out "Dean? Can you hear me? Everything's ok Dean" and ever so gently placed a hand onto the man's shoulder. 

It was probably this gentle gesture that sent Dean over the edge. 

Dean dropped to his knees, body going lax which caused the beer bottle he was holding to fall to the floor and smash, and began to sob.


	7. Reactions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The angels and Sam react to Dean's sudden slip

"Dean!" Castiel cried, dropping immediately into a crouch to clutch at the sobbing man's shoulders, desperately trying to get his attention. "Dean? Look at me! What's the matter?" 

Dean just continued to sob, head buried in his hands and almost oblivious to the man immediately before him. 

Although focused on Dean, from behind where he was crouched Cas heard Sam ask confusedly "What's going on? Has he hurt his hand?" Castiel too had noticed the presence of the bandage on one of the hands shielding Dean's face from sight and was too curious as to how it got there, but he didn't think that was the reason behind the sudden appearance of tears. No. Something else had to have set Dean off. 

It was only because he was so very close to Dean that Castiel heard the very quiet, muffled, yet desperate cry of "Da-ddy" that forced its way out of Dean's mouth in between the heaving sobs. That very second understanding flooded through Castiel and all of the slightly odd behaviour that Dean had been displaying through the day suddenly made sense.

Calming from the panic that had been building now that he knew what the problem was, Castiel took charge. Standing from his crouch he then easily scooped the still sobbing Dean up off the floor where he had been kneeling and settled him securely on his hip. Gently pushing Dean's head down to cradle on his shoulder, Castiel began his very familiar routine of swaying back and forth while softly patting a soothing rhythm on the boy's back as he worked to calm down his distressed baby. 

His baby. Not the grown man he had been thinking about all day. He seemed to have vanished in a second and Cas now held his sobbing baby who was still weakly repeating "Daddy! Da-addy!"

Although he was confused and sad for Dean who clearly didn't want to regress at this moment (though Cas couldn’t figure out why), Castiel felt a sense of contentment wash over him as he held his baby safely in his arms. It hadn't been too long ago since the last regression, but he always missed the feeling of having his baby this close. 

"Alright. It’s all alright baby. Shh, shh, shh. You can let go Dean. It's ok. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you now" Cas crooned, weaving back and forth, trying to soothe his still sobbing boy. Although he didn't know why Dean was fighting his slide towards being completely little, he knew he needed to reassure the upset man he held. A few repetitions of his words and Cas felt the last remnants of tension slip from the body he held close and knew had properly given in, even though there was not much change in the rate the boy was crying. 

All Cas could do was continue to work to calm the baby down. "It's ok De. It's all alright. Daddy's here. You're ok sweetheart. Shhh. It's ok."

As he weaved and twirled around the room hoping to soothe De, Cas noted that Gabriel had apparently deposited the cake on the heavily loaded table and had taken care of cleaning up the glass and puddle of beer that Dean had accidently created. Gabe and Sam were now having a hushed conversation as they watched him swaying about. 

"I don't understand," Sam attempted to whisper," he had to be little right now?!"

"Apparently Sam," Gabriel acknowledged, "though I don't think he had a lot of choice in the matter."

"What are you talking about?" Sam demanded. It was clear that he wasn't exactly pleased that the baby form of his brother had chosen to make an appearance. 

"Well you both usually let us know in small ways that you would like to be little, or just come right out and say it. And you are never this upset by being little if you've chosen to regress Sam, and look at him, he's distraught" Gabe reasoned. 

"Fine", Sam huffed but then continued, "Its just…we did all of this for him!"

Dean who's sobs had been dying down into softer cries due to his Daddy's continued ministrations evidently heard his brother's comment and descended into full on heavy sobs again. He also began to struggle slightly in Castiel's arms trying to get away. He knew it! He knew Sammy would get cross with him for being little! He ruined everything just because he was a dumb baby!

While Gabriel exclaimed a shocked "Sam!", Cas had to raise his voice to make sure that his baby could hear him over the renewed crying. 

"Oh no baby. It's ok. You're ok sweetheart. Don't cry baby its all ok. Shhh! You're ok, come on. It's alright baby."

De's cries began to lower again but before either angel could respond properly to what he had said, Sam strode out of the room. Gabriel gaped after him for a moment before shaking his head and catching Castiel's eye. "I'll speak to him later, he needs time to calm down first I think" he said exasperatedly. Then, moving closer and reaching out a hand to stroke the back of De's head he asked "How's the baby doing?"

"Slightly calmer I think huh sweetheart?" Cas answered as he placed a kiss to the side of De's head. De by now had calmed to small sniffles rather than the full blown sobs he had been crying before but had now buried his head deeply into his Daddy's shoulder. 

"Do you know what brought this on? Seems kinda sudden doesn't it?"

"I don't know" Cas sighed as he continued to sway on the spot moving his hand to gently pat De's bottom. "Though I'm not sure this regression is as sudden as it seems. Think about his behaviour this morning. I thought he was too quiet. His movements were too…I don't know…calculated I guess. I think he's been fighting this all day."

Running Dean's actions through his head Gabriel was then forced to agree. "Yeah you're right. I guess we just didn't see it before."

"I know. I just hope that we'll be able to find out why he slipped" Cas sighed worriedly, trying to get a peek at the still hidden De's face. 

"We will Cas. We will" Gabriel sympathised and reached out to stroke De's hair again, smiling softly as the baby leaned into his touch ever so slightly. "But first lets get this baby more comfy huh?"

"That sounds like an excellent plan. Come on baby. Lets get you into some comfy clothes" Cas commented as he made Dean more secure on his hip and started to lead the way to the nursery. 

Just as he was about to leave the room Gabriel called him to stop saying "Actually Cas, you go ahead. I'm going to track down Gigantor and see what's been going on in his head. I'll catch up with you guys in a bit."

Nodding his understanding as Gabriel departed Cas once again focused all of his attention on his baby, kissing him once again on the side of the head. "Ok sweetheart. Let's go get you changed."


End file.
